I have two blogs. This one, and another one that is supposed to be private.
I rarely post personal things here. All posts, to some extend, are crafted fiercely, sometimes “hatched” for months (mostly due to my laziness) before being published. Sometimes, it’s tiring. Sometimes I just want to post “something” to keep this alive, but then it bugs me like hell, since this blog is supposed to be “professional” – a step closer to my professional writing career, which, by the way, has not taken any advance for the last 2 years. I can’t just post “anything” here. It has to come with a concept. Nice photos. Crafted wording. I know, it sounds lame but that’s what I’ve tried to. Flaunting my (boring) life has never been the cause of this blog.
Hence, the other blog. The “Depressed” persona.
It’s like Sadness to Joy, really. (Inside out, anyone?). If I let Sadness and Joy run blogs of themselves, this would be Joy (really Da Ly, your Joy can only be this happy?), and Sadness the other.
Aaaa, I’m starting to ramble again. But that’s okay, since it’s just me, rambling unrelated stuff since my head is so messy. I think it was just an accident I had two blogs. I happened to press some button, and WordPress created two blogs on the same account, and it just took more time to find a way to delete, than to establish a new one. The Depressed was the original. This one is just, mmm, a clone?
Point is, I’m not sure what I’m talking about. This post isn’t supposed to be “professional” (mind the quote marks!). I just feel like saying something.
For, I have too many things on my mind. And I can’t write it on the other blog.
It’s too depressing. Really. I’ve scanned through it, and I wonder how I survived those times. It hurts to just read it now. It may bring my mood downhill, downer than it already is.
I’m not sure how I’m actually feeling. I think, at some points, we may feel this. Feel that we are not sure how to feel. That something is stuck. That you can’t figure it out. (Tip: You will never figure it out, you just find something more urgent to care for the moment.) Feel that happiness is just not for you. Feel that, your attempts are never enough. Or your non-attempt may finally pay back. Feel like after all this time, you’re still absolutely nothing.
Look, it’s not like I always let Sadness dominate my brain and flood it with depression. It’s just like, my Joy can’t find a way to shine. She just can’t catch up with Anger, Fear and Disgust. And Sadness, obviously. It’s like, Joy is not Joy anymore.
Where are you, Joy? I need you, Joy.
March 2017, Da Ly.