My mind is constantly racing. But I’m fine with it

Last weekend, I dropped my friend a Facebook message, saying I’m so sad.

He asked me why.

I said I had too many things to be sad about.

Too many things to think about.

That my mind keeps racing and I could not stop it.

There are too many problems in the world. I can’t deal with so many. Most of which are only remotely related to my actual everyday life concerns.

Like, history of the Middle East.

Like, what is more natural, monogamy or polyamory?

Like, do women in Saudi Arabia like their black abaya, or are they brainwashed to?

Like, should cheating ever be tolerated?

Like, is calling Kim Jong Un fat a kind of body shaming?

Like, is it ever possible for me to be sexually adventurous enough to integrate BDSM and group sex into my life? OK, but this one is my actual concern.

In a nutshell, I’ve come to worry a lot.

My friend said, don’t you worry sweetie,

There’s not much we can do in this world.

True, there’s not much I can do.

But there’s so much I want to know.


Never had I realized such a big nerd I am.

Until I discovered Quora.

In case you did not know Quora, well you don’t need to.

If you already know, good for you.

If you’ve been curious enough to google Quora, I think you’re the type of people that may love Quora like I do.

Because curious people love to know more.

Knowing, just for the sake of knowledge.

There’s no reward after it.

The knowledge itself is reward.

Years ago when I was in high school, I would not dare saying that.

Can you believe it?

I would not dare saying I love knowledge if I was in high school. Being educated.

Because such environment suppressed me. From standing out of the crowd.

It was cool to not be a big nerd.

It was weird to study just for the sake of study.

Because study is no fun.


It’s true. Study is no fun. Because schools taught me so.

Wasn’t their first intention. But they did it.


Now I feel liberated.


I can be the fucking nerd I am.

Yes, I’m a girl.

And girls, from the culture I was brought up in, should not be a nerd.

They should care not about world issues.

World issues are for men.

“Oh you’re a girl. But you know politics!”

I’m not that into politics, but yes, I have my views on the world.

Also, sex is for men.

“Girls watch porn too?”

“Nah it’s a dirty joke you should not hear it since you’re a girl”

Please, I’m pretty sure my mind is dirtier than most men you know.

And also this, girls should not know too much. At least, not more than her partner.

“Don’t be too smart or study too much. No one’s gonna marry you.”


Hey people,

I will be the fucking nerd I want to be.

And I’m still cool as you can imagine.

But I’m not gonna tolerate that kind of attitude toward my nerdiness.


OK, I may have sound too aggressive.

Actually, I’m fine.

None of those words on girls before have been said directly to me.

Mostly to people I know. From people I have planned to cut out of my life.

If possible.


OK, but this is not a feminist post.

I should reconsider including “feminist” here anyway, since for God knows when the word has become so sensitive.

This is about nerdiness.

That I’ve found Quora. And many amazing, highly intelligent individuals on it, and that I’ve found out I’m not alone.

Being a nerd is fucking cool.


So as I told my friend, my mind keeps racing.

I was sad. Yes.

But it wasn’t complaining.

My mind was racing because of conflict beliefs, crashing inside my head.

Because I was opening my mind to different faiths than mine.

Because I let myself vulnerable. I was willing to challenge my most fundamental beliefs.

Because I’m not afraid to change.


Now I’m afraid I may fall in love with a nerd someday.

For nerds know each other.

Oh no, I may already have.

Should that happen, I may consider introducing him to Quora.

So that we can happily be nerds together.

June 2016.


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